Hear me out

March 9th-passed by with almost no blip on my radar. I didn't even think about it until this moment. My life has changed so drastically in one year and I feel like I haven't taken proper pause on it. 2009 was filled with ups and down and there were more times than I could count on my hand when I thought I wouldn't make it. I literally wanted to give up and just lay in bed. I relied heavily on other to breathe air back into for me. I've been through so much in the last few years, I can't even talk about it-who's ear have not talked to death to? Sometimes I want to cry, because I feel so much anxiety. While this year has been truly rewarding so far, which I'm so grateful, I can't stop but wonder when that other shoe will drop.

Many new people have entered my life in 2010 and keep telling me to enjoy it. Stop worrying, everything will be okay. But I'm so used to this ache I always felt and now that its gone, I don't know what to do. I need affirmation. But how can I get affirmation from new people when I can't even explain why I need to hear it?

These are not new fears but old ones that constantly creep up on me when I least expect it.

Ex-Factor

I can't explain how I feel right now better than Lauryn Hill's song Ex-Factor. Yes I'm conflicted. Every time I think I am okay, you make me feel otherwise...

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will