25 Things

1. Don't compliment me, it makes me flustered and I don't know what to say in response. It also means you've been looking at me, and I hate being looked at.

2. I'm not close to my family; my friends are my family and I support them endlessly.

3. I'm scared that I won't live up to people's expectations of me and that I won't live up to my own expectations.

4. I've failed very few times in my life and when I feel like I fail, I don't know where to do next.

5. I'm a hopeless romantic.

6. I'm way better at helping other people solves problems in their life than mine, I'm so oblivious.

7. I'm constantly amazed at how racists people are.

8. When I was younger, the toilet was the only room I liked in my house. I used to hide out there and read books, I still have a secret stash of cookies in the bathroom.

9. When I was younger, I was not comfortable with being Asian and always longed to be White. I'm getting more comfortable in my skin now.

10. I really like having my own place. I use the bathroom with the door open and when people come over, sometimes I have to remind myself to close the door because I'm not alone.

11. I'm an over communicator which means I often don't filter my thoughts. It boggles my mind when my friends can't tell me how they really feel.

12. I wish I had different nose. I hate how flat my nose is.

13. I hate when movies explain the title of the movie in the movie. I absolutely hate that. Well my only exception is Love Actually. I really love that movie.

14. I am really clumsy but I'm really good at laughing at myself, now.

15. I always wonder what if about everything in my life.

16. I put up a front but I'm scared to end up alone.

17. I like wearing contacts, I feel pretty in them but since I hate being looked at it, I never wear them. I think glasses make me look like a nerd which means no one will look at me. Yes I know this logic is faulty.

18. I wish I was skinner and taller.

19. I want to learn 6 languages and feel accomplished.

20. I'm always worried I'm being left out and hate playing catch-up.

21. I'm terrible at saving and budgeting.

22. I wish my parents understood me, and we were closer.

23. I get swept up in emotions too easily; my feelings change all the time.

24. I really love cursing. It's such a release.

25. I am not easily impressed, this is often confused with me being a hater. I am not.

First Pancake

I always throw the first pancake of my batch out.

I've come to realize that this metaphor is true about my dating life as well. The first guy I even tried to move on with recently dumped me, well actually a month ago. And the funny thing is, when he politely dumped me on the phone I laughed because I hadn't realized that we were even dating.

Funny enough, my ex had to tell me, that's what adult dating looks like. I tried to recover from it by e-mail him a week later and asking him "If we could just be friends who enjoys each others company". While he did write me back, and didn't say no per se, I never saw him again. I guess that line doesn't actually work in life after college or anyone else except on me.

Well, I guess all is well because my second pancake turned out to be better but not great. I'm on my third try now, and I think I'm doing okay. I think I'm finally getting the hang of things. I just needed practice, and all the previous try's were just that-practice and a good laugh for my friends.

5 days from now it will be a new year, and I wonder how 2010 will look.

Day 3

It feels like I'm trying to quit smoking or something. That's the best metaphor I can give it.

I'm giving up my addiction, a bad habit I've had for over 5 years. I never thought I could do it nor did I ever think I needed to.

I gotta start somewhere. I feel slightly shaky but I think I'll make it.

Cross your fingers for me. Lucky for me things are so swamped at work, I don't have time to think or react. JUST DO.

Notions of Belonging

I wrote the first sentence of this blog seventeen times.

I hate that I care what other people think. I admit that I am nervous that people may read this and judge me for it. A blog is both personal and a public affair; particularly for me as I use this space to hash out how I feel and connect myself to those that I care about.

Writing has always helped me find clarity. When I write it down, it makes whatever I'm feeling more real. When I put in on paper, I can't deny how I feel anymore. While I recognize that this is such a public space to work out my feelings, I question why YOU would go out of your way to read this if you didn't have a personal investment in me?

I'm still struggling with this first post. How open can I be with myself and to others on here? NO. Better Question: How open do I want to be with myself here and to others? And should I go ahead and re-post all my entries from before?

Asian Really?

Does she look Asian to you? This is Indian Barbie, proper title of the Barbie is "Diwali-Barbie" And I bring this up today, because on my way home on the train, I watched an South Asian family across from me. The mom and grandmother looked tired from a long day of shopping but the little girl of 5 yrs old (or less) clutched on to box and hugged the box around her body. She was so excited to get home and open to box. She would point to somethings on the box and talk about why she loved it so much. I was wondering for a long time what the doll looked like until I finally caught a glimpse of it. It was a Barbie dressed in cowgirl gear (no joke). She had a black hat with a red and white check shirt, a black studded frill suede skirt and no JOKE black leather boots. I guess my problem with this sighting is watching this South Asian girl clutching a white doll and I wonder if she will look back on this moment and wonder why it her dolls were all white?

My problem with these dolls especially Barbie, I guess comes from my own history of Asianness and desires to be white. It was particularly tough for me since I am an 80's baby and the multicultural doll hadn't quite made the toy shelf yet. But in all honesty, it doesnt seem the doll industry has come that far yet? That Diwali-Barbie, what makes her Asian? Her skin color is still very light, yes I know not all South Asians are dark, but there is something so odd about South Asian barbie, and all the "multi-cultural" Barbies.(which leads me to believe Barbie promotes a white fantasy, yes the Wesleyan is still in me!)Mattel has summed up Asianness to be in Barbie's clothing, she can basically become any culture she wants, all she has to do is dress in "cultural clothing" (this is sometimes how I feel when white people get too involved in other cultures, and start to adapt it as their own without understand the cultural implications) I think back to my own childhood, and remember not only did my toys, but media as well influenced me and made me feel out casted. I remember always wanting to be white, and be like everyone else, but never understanding why I couldn't be. When my sister and I played school, we would create fake workbooks, in which all the students names were Mary-Jane, Susie, Sally, etc. I can laugh about it now, but I didn't always like my name, it's hard for people to pronounce and I could never find my name on magnets, and pens, etc.

But don't even get me started about the dolls that are supposed to look Asian. They are insulting as well. Ugh, they are so hideous and they are always not as glamorous looking as those Barbie dolls. Being Asian doesn't seem to rank as "cool" or "great" thing in the toy world. UGH.

I'm glad I went to Wes because all my life, I had empty feeling of never being happy with myself. I really just wanted to be like everyone, and I felt different and torn and I didn't know how to express it. I learned to be critical at Wes and even to understand myself and culture for that. The only downside to all this learning I received is that I'm a little TOO aware now. During senior week, on a bus to one the senior events, I was sitting next to MS and I'm not sure how the conversations came about but he made a comment about how all his gf's had been foreign. And that shocked me, particularly because I knew I got included in this list. And the thing is MS knows I was born here and stuff, but somehow I was still NOT American to him. He said he was only kidding but he sure stuck his foot in his mouth (and I have obviously NOT forgotten about it) But it's little things like that get to me. And yes now I have all this knowledge, but Wes didn't teach me how to deal with all the anger that came from all this knowledge. How do I change the perception of what Asian means to people? I mean clearly the porn industry isn't helping on that front! But I know in any challenge, any step no matter how small is a step in a direction...And the steps I take to at least battle the foreign stereotype is when someone asks me Where are you from? I like to play coy and answer New York, and when they say to me, No, really where are you from? I like to answer, is it really impossible for you to imagine me as a New Yorker? But if you are wondering what my ETHNIC background is, I'm Thai. Yes, people, if you see an Asian person and you are curious to know what their background is ask them, "What is your ethnic background?" (politely please)I know that doesn't seem like a lot, but I'm sick of being labeled Chinese (no jokes please) or told I look Japanese (I don't). I swear sometimes I think the government should promote a don't ask don't tell policy on race. My gosh, can we stop wrapping our heads around Race so much and focus on the state of the world right now!?

Last Day of Freedom (?)

Tomorrow I start work. I can barely sleep, I'm so excited. Always the night before any new event, I sleep horribly! UGH. Though I did try to counter my sleepless night with a solid day of guilt-free TV watching... Don't judge me! I know its going to be a tough week ahead of me, and zoning out can sometimes be the best way to deal with it. I'm so ready to move forward (and also get my first paycheck!) that I can't help but dream about my apartment and promotion already. I did think of one downfall though, I just realized, its going to be awhile before I get to take a leisure vacation again or afford one (damn student loans). I was also told by my boss casually on the day I signed my contract that while I get a 4 week vacation, "no one ever takes it." That was the biggest hint ever, say good bye to freedom. *sniff.

Also, it's supposedly a really fast pace job and really stressful job at that, but I feel like I'm so ready for the challenge hopefully SJV's prediction won't come true and I'll hate the job after a couple of months because I'll be burnt out and really stressed out all the time (oops SJV, you were accidentally hatin', HAHA)
Hmmm, I think I'll take my vacation now..

*Please (add name of higher being) don't let me hate my job and make sure that I survive for atleast a year... Thanks!

Not Just another bad habit

Since Saturday afternoon, I've been riding on good feelings with my parents. We've been getting a long real well. There's a lot less pressure in the house now that I have a job. In fact, I spent the Saturday day buying suits for my new job with my mom. It was the first time in awhile that my mom and I got along so well. My mom is a great shopping companion, she really understand what looks good on me and what doesn't; its one of the rare time I believe that my mom's intentions are right. Not many people understanding my relationship to shopping and most people believe that I am addicted to shopping but my connection to shopping lies deeper than that. Shopping is something that has special significance in my family. First, in my culture, the ability to shop and shop often especially with brand names is a sign of wealth. Not an uncommon phenomenon even in America, but for me shopping has two special meanings. Firstly, when I was little, I was never allowed to pick my own clothes, since my parents bought most of my clothes, they decided what looked good on me. My parents were definitely a fan of matching clothes and they often put my sister and I in matching outfits. My outfits were always pink and flowery and my sister's was blue and also flowery. I hate flowery outfits and to do this day I still wont wear despite it being in fashion right now. But secondly, when I was little my parents worked all the time, and on the rare occasion we spent time together, we went shopping. I can't blame my parents for working so hard, in fact I guess I don't say it enough, but I'm really impressed by my parents. They moved to this country with only a 100 dollars and made a fortune over time. They sacrificed a lot of time to make money. Time they could have used to get to know us. It's sad really, sometimes I feel like they are complete strangers to me. I cant help but wonder if we spent more time together would our cultural differences still keep us far apart?

I can't pull myself even now to let my parents in, but when we go shopping together, its one of the sacred times where we just don't fight and we just have some mutual understanding. It helps softens our relationship and makes me feel kinder to them and vice versa. The feeling doesn't stop just at the mall or store where we are at. When we go home, I love to try on all my new clothes for my parents, and they help match my new clothes with old clothes to make new outfits. This feeling last awhile too and helps strengthen our relationship, because I let my guard down and even makes my mom feel more comfortable because she becomes a lot less critical of me. Its one of my favorite times with my parents. These are rare moments because I was often at school but also shopping is an expensive therapy method. When I was little, and I relied on my parents to buy my clothes, I had no idea what looked good on me or what my style was. But as I got older, and started working, I began to try different looks on, and these shopping trips allowed my parents to begin to understand my sense of style and get a glimpse of who I was. But also, as I got older, I sometimes used my work money to buy them gifts, a thought my parents always (not willingly) admit they love but always reassured them that they raised me right (though they always have their doubts when we disagree). Having my own money and having the ability to support myself, demonstrated to my parents that I am independent and hardworking, two qualities they've always pushed in me.

Shopping is more than just a bad habit for me, its my connection to my parents, my family. Even with my sister, its the only form of communication we have. And while it may seem shallow, my sister and I have a complicated relationship damaged by years of hurt and jealousy and shopping has become the one hobby that has allowed us to relate to each other. So yes, I shop a lot but its means more to me than that.

Bored in NY? Never!

It's Saturday night and I'm ready to go out! Tonight is the Wes 08 Reunion party. I can't believe I'm going to Brooklyn... UGH. Sorry BK people, I grew up Uptown, Brooklyn is like another state to me. (DON'T even get me started on Jersey!) It was great seeing people I haven't seen since graduation. Yes, I know it hasn't been that long, but just because I haven't seen this people doesn't mean that I am not very fond of these people... It is also a relief to have a job, and know what I am doing. Now I can finally answer "What are you doing now?" instead of laughing it off and say I'm still looking and going on job interviews. Some of my favorite people are now NY residents and I m very happy about that! But the reunion party was fun, fun. It was open bar from 10-11 and you can bet our recent college grads were there on time! We all were either double fisiting and some of the pros were tripple fisiting. The only downside to BK is geting back uptown, it take about 1hr-2h especially on NY subway weekend schedules. BOO. My favorite part of the night was getting there though. Rey, Nina and Jonelle and I were all trying to go together especially since we all are living uptown but of course we couldn't really get ourselves together...cough, cough... But we made a plan to meet on third car in the back on 79th street 1 train. Rey couldnt reach Nina and Jonelle so Rey and I planned to meet on 79th street anyways, and while I was waiting at 79th street, I painfully watched 6 trains pass me, by the 7th train Nina runs out and was like WHERE's REYSON!? and I was like NINA! WHAT!! They both got off the train, but I didnt understand Reyson wasnt with them, so I was like GET BACK ON! Luckily, Nina, pulled me off. How did Nina get there before Reyson especially since Rey lives closer to 79th than Nina does!? Anyways, Reyson casually showed up 2 trains later...UGH meeting on the trains NOT a good idea!

FYI: Looking for something to do in New York? Check out newyork.going.com its a website that posts all the fun things going around New York. They even have a section labeled free for all you penny watching fun loving New Yorker! Also, in case you are not a native New Yorker and still need help planning your trip around NYC, use hopstop to plan your trips; it helps you plan how long it will take by bus or train and also the best route to get to your destination. Thanks again o'wise one. ALSO check out these events coming up:
• Summerstage, July 20th: A-track, Diplo, Santogold, Kid Cudi. 3:00-7:00 pm. Central Park SummerStage is located at Rumsey Playfield in Central Park. Enter the park at 69th Street and 5th Avenue on the east side or at 72nd Street and Central Park West on the west side. Get there early, as I'm sure there will be a lot of wes people there! Check out summerstage.org
• HBO Summer Film Festival, June 18th-August 18th (every Monday Night). Check out http://www.bryantpark.org/calendar/film-festival.php for a complete listing of films. Get there early, lawn opens up at 5pm for seating and film starts at 8pm.
• 32nd Annual New York Asian American International Film Festival (July 10th-July 19th). Check out http://asiancinevision.org/press.html for a complete list of times, locations, and films. *Thanks Cecil!
• 7th Annual New York Asian Film Festival (June 20-July 6th). Check out http://www.subwaycinema.com for a complete list of times, locations, and films. *Thank Cecil!