March 9th-passed by with almost no blip on my radar. I didn't even think about it until this moment. My life has changed so drastically in one year and I feel like I haven't taken proper pause on it. 2009 was filled with ups and down and there were more times than I could count on my hand when I thought I wouldn't make it. I literally wanted to give up and just lay in bed. I relied heavily on other to breathe air back into for me. I've been through so much in the last few years, I can't even talk about it-who's ear have not talked to death to? Sometimes I want to cry, because I feel so much anxiety. While this year has been truly rewarding so far, which I'm so grateful, I can't stop but wonder when that other shoe will drop.
Many new people have entered my life in 2010 and keep telling me to enjoy it. Stop worrying, everything will be okay. But I'm so used to this ache I always felt and now that its gone, I don't know what to do. I need affirmation. But how can I get affirmation from new people when I can't even explain why I need to hear it?
These are not new fears but old ones that constantly creep up on me when I least expect it.
April 25, 2010
January 13, 2010
Ex-Factor
I can't explain how I feel right now better than Lauryn Hill's song Ex-Factor. Yes I'm conflicted. Every time I think I am okay, you make me feel otherwise...
It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy
I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will
It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy
I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will
December 28, 2009
25 Things
1. Don't compliment me, it makes me flustered and I don't know what to say in response. It also means you've been looking at me, and I hate being looked at.
2. I'm not close to my family; my friends are my family and I support them endlessly.
3. I'm scared that I won't live up to people's expectations of me and that I won't live up to my own expectations.
4. I've failed very few times in my life and when I feel like I fail, I don't know where to do next.
5. I'm a hopeless romantic.
6. I'm way better at helping other people solves problems in their life than mine, I'm so oblivious.
7. I'm constantly amazed at how racists people are.
8. When I was younger, the toilet was the only room I liked in my house. I used to hide out there and read books, I still have a secret stash of cookies in the bathroom.
9. When I was younger, I was not comfortable with being Asian and always longed to be White. I'm getting more comfortable in my skin now.
10. I really like having my own place. I use the bathroom with the door open and when people come over, sometimes I have to remind myself to close the door because I'm not alone.
11. I'm an over communicator which means I often don't filter my thoughts. It boggles my mind when my friends can't tell me how they really feel.
12. I wish I had different nose. I hate how flat my nose is.
13. I hate when movies explain the title of the movie in the movie. I absolutely hate that. Well my only exception is Love Actually. I really love that movie.
14. I am really clumsy but I'm really good at laughing at myself, now.
15. I always wonder what if about everything in my life.
16. I put up a front but I'm scared to end up alone.
17. I like wearing contacts, I feel pretty in them but since I hate being looked at it, I never wear them. I think glasses make me look like a nerd which means no one will look at me. Yes I know this logic is faulty.
18. I wish I was skinner and taller.
19. I want to learn 6 languages and feel accomplished.
20. I'm always worried I'm being left out and hate playing catch-up.
21. I'm terrible at saving and budgeting.
22. I wish my parents understood me, and we were closer.
23. I get swept up in emotions too easily; my feelings change all the time.
24. I really love cursing. It's such a release.
25. I am not easily impressed, this is often confused with me being a hater. I am not.
2. I'm not close to my family; my friends are my family and I support them endlessly.
3. I'm scared that I won't live up to people's expectations of me and that I won't live up to my own expectations.
4. I've failed very few times in my life and when I feel like I fail, I don't know where to do next.
5. I'm a hopeless romantic.
6. I'm way better at helping other people solves problems in their life than mine, I'm so oblivious.
7. I'm constantly amazed at how racists people are.
8. When I was younger, the toilet was the only room I liked in my house. I used to hide out there and read books, I still have a secret stash of cookies in the bathroom.
9. When I was younger, I was not comfortable with being Asian and always longed to be White. I'm getting more comfortable in my skin now.
10. I really like having my own place. I use the bathroom with the door open and when people come over, sometimes I have to remind myself to close the door because I'm not alone.
11. I'm an over communicator which means I often don't filter my thoughts. It boggles my mind when my friends can't tell me how they really feel.
12. I wish I had different nose. I hate how flat my nose is.
13. I hate when movies explain the title of the movie in the movie. I absolutely hate that. Well my only exception is Love Actually. I really love that movie.
14. I am really clumsy but I'm really good at laughing at myself, now.
15. I always wonder what if about everything in my life.
16. I put up a front but I'm scared to end up alone.
17. I like wearing contacts, I feel pretty in them but since I hate being looked at it, I never wear them. I think glasses make me look like a nerd which means no one will look at me. Yes I know this logic is faulty.
18. I wish I was skinner and taller.
19. I want to learn 6 languages and feel accomplished.
20. I'm always worried I'm being left out and hate playing catch-up.
21. I'm terrible at saving and budgeting.
22. I wish my parents understood me, and we were closer.
23. I get swept up in emotions too easily; my feelings change all the time.
24. I really love cursing. It's such a release.
25. I am not easily impressed, this is often confused with me being a hater. I am not.
December 25, 2009
First Pancake
I always throw the first pancake of my batch out.
I've come to realize that this metaphor is true about my dating life as well. The first guy I even tried to move on with recently dumped me, well actually a month ago. And the funny thing is, when he politely dumped me on the phone I laughed because I hadn't realized that we were even dating.
Funny enough, my ex had to tell me, that's what adult dating looks like. I tried to recover from it by e-mail him a week later and asking him "If we could just be friends who enjoys each others company". While he did write me back, and didn't say no per se, I never saw him again. I guess that line doesn't actually work in life after college or anyone else except on me.
Well, I guess all is well because my second pancake turned out to be better but not great. I'm on my third try now, and I think I'm doing okay. I think I'm finally getting the hang of things. I just needed practice, and all the previous try's were just that-practice and a good laugh for my friends.
5 days from now it will be a new year, and I wonder how 2010 will look.
I've come to realize that this metaphor is true about my dating life as well. The first guy I even tried to move on with recently dumped me, well actually a month ago. And the funny thing is, when he politely dumped me on the phone I laughed because I hadn't realized that we were even dating.
Funny enough, my ex had to tell me, that's what adult dating looks like. I tried to recover from it by e-mail him a week later and asking him "If we could just be friends who enjoys each others company". While he did write me back, and didn't say no per se, I never saw him again. I guess that line doesn't actually work in life after college or anyone else except on me.
Well, I guess all is well because my second pancake turned out to be better but not great. I'm on my third try now, and I think I'm doing okay. I think I'm finally getting the hang of things. I just needed practice, and all the previous try's were just that-practice and a good laugh for my friends.
5 days from now it will be a new year, and I wonder how 2010 will look.
December 9, 2009
Day 3
It feels like I'm trying to quit smoking or something. That's the best metaphor I can give it.
I'm giving up my addiction, a bad habit I've had for over 5 years. I never thought I could do it nor did I ever think I needed to.
I gotta start somewhere. I feel slightly shaky but I think I'll make it.
Cross your fingers for me. Lucky for me things are so swamped at work, I don't have time to think or react. JUST DO.
I'm giving up my addiction, a bad habit I've had for over 5 years. I never thought I could do it nor did I ever think I needed to.
I gotta start somewhere. I feel slightly shaky but I think I'll make it.
Cross your fingers for me. Lucky for me things are so swamped at work, I don't have time to think or react. JUST DO.
November 8, 2009
Notions of Belonging
I wrote the first sentence of this blog seventeen times.I hate that I care what other people think. I admit that I am nervous that people may read this and judge me for it. A blog is both personal and a public affair; particularly for me as I use this space to hash out how I feel and connect myself to those that I care about.
Writing has always helped me find clarity. When I write it down, it makes whatever I'm feeling more real. When I put in on paper, I can't deny how I feel anymore. While I recognize that this is such a public space to work out my feelings, I question why YOU would go out of your way to read this if you didn't have a personal investment in me?
I'm still struggling with this first post. How open can I be with myself and to others on here? NO. Better Question: How open do I want to be with myself here and to others? And should I go ahead and re-post all my entries from before?
July 3, 2008
Asian Really?
Does she look Asian to you? This is Indian Barbie, proper title of the Barbie is "Diwali-Barbie" And I bring this up today, because on my way home on the train, I watched an South Asian family across from me. The mom and grandmother looked tired from a long day of shopping but the little girl of 5 yrs old (or less) clutched on to box and hugged the box around her body. She was so excited to get home and open to box. She would point to somethings on the box and talk about why she loved it so much. I was wondering for a long time what the doll looked like until I finally caught a glimpse of it. It was a Barbie dressed in cowgirl gear (no joke). She had a black hat with a red and white check shirt, a black studded frill suede skirt and no JOKE black leather boots. I guess my problem with this sighting is watching this South Asian girl clutching a white doll and I wonder if she will look back on this moment and wonder why it her dolls were all white? My problem with these dolls especially Barbie, I guess comes from my own history of Asianness and desires to be white. It was particularly tough for me since I am an 80's baby and the multicultural doll hadn't quite made the toy shelf yet. But in all honesty, it doesnt seem the doll industry has come that far yet? That Diwali-Barbie, what makes her Asian? Her skin color is still very light, yes I know not all South Asians are dark, but there is something so odd about South Asian barbie, and all the "multi-cultural" Barbies.(which leads me to believe Barbie promotes a white fantasy, yes the Wesleyan is still in me!)Mattel has summed up Asianness to be in Barbie's clothing, she can basically become any culture she wants, all she has to do is dress in "cultural clothing" (this is sometimes how I feel when white people get too involved in other cultures, and start to adapt it as their own without understand the cultural implications) I think back to my own childhood, and remember not only did my toys, but media as well influenced me and made me feel out casted. I remember always wanting to be white, and be like everyone else, but never understanding why I couldn't be. When my sister and I played school, we would create fake workbooks, in which all the students names were Mary-Jane, Susie, Sally, etc. I can laugh about it now, but I didn't always like my name, it's hard for people to pronounce and I could never find my name on magnets, and pens, etc.
But don't even get me started about the dolls that are supposed to look Asian. They are insulting as well. Ugh, they are so hideous and they are always not as glamorous looking as those Barbie dolls. Being Asian doesn't seem to rank as "cool" or "great" thing in the toy world. UGH.
I'm glad I went to Wes because all my life, I had empty feeling of never being happy with myself. I really just wanted to be like everyone, and I felt different and torn and I didn't know how to express it. I learned to be critical at Wes and even to understand myself and culture for that. The only downside to all this learning I received is that I'm a little TOO aware now. During senior week, on a bus to one the senior events, I was sitting next to MS and I'm not sure how the conversations came about but he made a comment about how all his gf's had been foreign. And that shocked me, particularly because I knew I got included in this list. And the thing is MS knows I was born here and stuff, but somehow I was still NOT American to him. He said he was only kidding but he sure stuck his foot in his mouth (and I have obviously NOT forgotten about it) But it's little things like that get to me. And yes now I have all this knowledge, but Wes didn't teach me how to deal with all the anger that came from all this knowledge. How do I change the perception of what Asian means to people? I mean clearly the porn industry isn't helping on that front! But I know in any challenge, any step no matter how small is a step in a direction...And the steps I take to at least battle the foreign stereotype is when someone asks me Where are you from? I like to play coy and answer New York, and when they say to me, No, really where are you from? I like to answer, is it really impossible for you to imagine me as a New Yorker? But if you are wondering what my ETHNIC background is, I'm Thai. Yes, people, if you see an Asian person and you are curious to know what their background is ask them, "What is your ethnic background?" (politely please)I know that doesn't seem like a lot, but I'm sick of being labeled Chinese (no jokes please) or told I look Japanese (I don't). I swear sometimes I think the government should promote a don't ask don't tell policy on race. My gosh, can we stop wrapping our heads around Race so much and focus on the state of the world right now!?
July 2, 2008
Last Day of Freedom (?)
Tomorrow I start work. I can barely sleep, I'm so excited. Always the night before any new event, I sleep horribly! UGH. Though I did try to counter my sleepless night with a solid day of guilt-free TV watching... Don't judge me! I know its going to be a tough week ahead of me, and zoning out can sometimes be the best way to deal with it. I'm so ready to move forward (and also get my first paycheck!) that I can't help but dream about my apartment and promotion already. I did think of one downfall though, I just realized, its going to be awhile before I get to take a leisure vacation again or afford one (damn student loans). I was also told by my boss casually on the day I signed my contract that while I get a 4 week vacation, "no one ever takes it." That was the biggest hint ever, say good bye to freedom. *sniff.
Also, it's supposedly a really fast pace job and really stressful job at that, but I feel like I'm so ready for the challenge hopefully SJV's prediction won't come true and I'll hate the job after a couple of months because I'll be burnt out and really stressed out all the time (oops SJV, you were accidentally hatin', HAHA)
Hmmm, I think I'll take my vacation now..
*Please (add name of higher being) don't let me hate my job and make sure that I survive for atleast a year... Thanks!
Also, it's supposedly a really fast pace job and really stressful job at that, but I feel like I'm so ready for the challenge hopefully SJV's prediction won't come true and I'll hate the job after a couple of months because I'll be burnt out and really stressed out all the time (oops SJV, you were accidentally hatin', HAHA)
Hmmm, I think I'll take my vacation now..
*Please (add name of higher being) don't let me hate my job and make sure that I survive for atleast a year... Thanks!
July 1, 2008
Not Just another bad habit
Since Saturday afternoon, I've been riding on good feelings with my parents. We've been getting a long real well. There's a lot less pressure in the house now that I have a job. In fact, I spent the Saturday day buying suits for my new job with my mom. It was the first time in awhile that my mom and I got along so well. My mom is a great shopping companion, she really understand what looks good on me and what doesn't; its one of the rare time I believe that my mom's intentions are right. Not many people understanding my relationship to shopping and most people believe that I am addicted to shopping but my connection to shopping lies deeper than that. Shopping is something that has special significance in my family. First, in my culture, the ability to shop and shop often especially with brand names is a sign of wealth. Not an uncommon phenomenon even in America, but for me shopping has two special meanings. Firstly, when I was little, I was never allowed to pick my own clothes, since my parents bought most of my clothes, they decided what looked good on me. My parents were definitely a fan of matching clothes and they often put my sister and I in matching outfits. My outfits were always pink and flowery and my sister's was blue and also flowery. I hate flowery outfits and to do this day I still wont wear despite it being in fashion right now. But secondly, when I was little my parents worked all the time, and on the rare occasion we spent time together, we went shopping. I can't blame my parents for working so hard, in fact I guess I don't say it enough, but I'm really impressed by my parents. They moved to this country with only a 100 dollars and made a fortune over time. They sacrificed a lot of time to make money. Time they could have used to get to know us. It's sad really, sometimes I feel like they are complete strangers to me. I cant help but wonder if we spent more time together would our cultural differences still keep us far apart?
I can't pull myself even now to let my parents in, but when we go shopping together, its one of the sacred times where we just don't fight and we just have some mutual understanding. It helps softens our relationship and makes me feel kinder to them and vice versa. The feeling doesn't stop just at the mall or store where we are at. When we go home, I love to try on all my new clothes for my parents, and they help match my new clothes with old clothes to make new outfits. This feeling last awhile too and helps strengthen our relationship, because I let my guard down and even makes my mom feel more comfortable because she becomes a lot less critical of me. Its one of my favorite times with my parents. These are rare moments because I was often at school but also shopping is an expensive therapy method. When I was little, and I relied on my parents to buy my clothes, I had no idea what looked good on me or what my style was. But as I got older, and started working, I began to try different looks on, and these shopping trips allowed my parents to begin to understand my sense of style and get a glimpse of who I was. But also, as I got older, I sometimes used my work money to buy them gifts, a thought my parents always (not willingly) admit they love but always reassured them that they raised me right (though they always have their doubts when we disagree). Having my own money and having the ability to support myself, demonstrated to my parents that I am independent and hardworking, two qualities they've always pushed in me.
Shopping is more than just a bad habit for me, its my connection to my parents, my family. Even with my sister, its the only form of communication we have. And while it may seem shallow, my sister and I have a complicated relationship damaged by years of hurt and jealousy and shopping has become the one hobby that has allowed us to relate to each other. So yes, I shop a lot but its means more to me than that.
I can't pull myself even now to let my parents in, but when we go shopping together, its one of the sacred times where we just don't fight and we just have some mutual understanding. It helps softens our relationship and makes me feel kinder to them and vice versa. The feeling doesn't stop just at the mall or store where we are at. When we go home, I love to try on all my new clothes for my parents, and they help match my new clothes with old clothes to make new outfits. This feeling last awhile too and helps strengthen our relationship, because I let my guard down and even makes my mom feel more comfortable because she becomes a lot less critical of me. Its one of my favorite times with my parents. These are rare moments because I was often at school but also shopping is an expensive therapy method. When I was little, and I relied on my parents to buy my clothes, I had no idea what looked good on me or what my style was. But as I got older, and started working, I began to try different looks on, and these shopping trips allowed my parents to begin to understand my sense of style and get a glimpse of who I was. But also, as I got older, I sometimes used my work money to buy them gifts, a thought my parents always (not willingly) admit they love but always reassured them that they raised me right (though they always have their doubts when we disagree). Having my own money and having the ability to support myself, demonstrated to my parents that I am independent and hardworking, two qualities they've always pushed in me.
Shopping is more than just a bad habit for me, its my connection to my parents, my family. Even with my sister, its the only form of communication we have. And while it may seem shallow, my sister and I have a complicated relationship damaged by years of hurt and jealousy and shopping has become the one hobby that has allowed us to relate to each other. So yes, I shop a lot but its means more to me than that.
June 29, 2008
Bored in NY? Never!
It's Saturday night and I'm ready to go out! Tonight is the Wes 08 Reunion party. I can't believe I'm going to Brooklyn... UGH. Sorry BK people, I grew up Uptown, Brooklyn is like another state to me. (DON'T even get me started on Jersey!) It was great seeing people I haven't seen since graduation. Yes, I know it hasn't been that long, but just because I haven't seen this people doesn't mean that I am not very fond of these people... It is also a relief to have a job, and know what I am doing. Now I can finally answer "What are you doing now?" instead of laughing it off and say I'm still looking and going on job interviews. Some of my favorite people are now NY residents and I m very happy about that! But the reunion party was fun, fun. It was open bar from 10-11 and you can bet our recent college grads were there on time! We all were either double fisiting and some of the pros were tripple fisiting. The only downside to BK is geting back uptown, it take about 1hr-2h especially on NY subway weekend schedules. BOO. My favorite part of the night was getting there though. Rey, Nina and Jonelle and I were all trying to go together especially since we all are living uptown but of course we couldn't really get ourselves together...cough, cough... But we made a plan to meet on third car in the back on 79th street 1 train. Rey couldnt reach Nina and Jonelle so Rey and I planned to meet on 79th street anyways, and while I was waiting at 79th street, I painfully watched 6 trains pass me, by the 7th train Nina runs out and was like WHERE's REYSON!? and I was like NINA! WHAT!! They both got off the train, but I didnt understand Reyson wasnt with them, so I was like GET BACK ON! Luckily, Nina, pulled me off. How did Nina get there before Reyson especially since Rey lives closer to 79th than Nina does!? Anyways, Reyson casually showed up 2 trains later...UGH meeting on the trains NOT a good idea!
FYI: Looking for something to do in New York? Check out newyork.going.com its a website that posts all the fun things going around New York. They even have a section labeled free for all you penny watching fun loving New Yorker! Also, in case you are not a native New Yorker and still need help planning your trip around NYC, use hopstop to plan your trips; it helps you plan how long it will take by bus or train and also the best route to get to your destination. Thanks again o'wise one. ALSO check out these events coming up:
• Summerstage, July 20th: A-track, Diplo, Santogold, Kid Cudi. 3:00-7:00 pm. Central Park SummerStage is located at Rumsey Playfield in Central Park. Enter the park at 69th Street and 5th Avenue on the east side or at 72nd Street and Central Park West on the west side. Get there early, as I'm sure there will be a lot of wes people there! Check out summerstage.org
• HBO Summer Film Festival, June 18th-August 18th (every Monday Night). Check out http://www.bryantpark.org/calendar/film-festival.php for a complete listing of films. Get there early, lawn opens up at 5pm for seating and film starts at 8pm.
• 32nd Annual New York Asian American International Film Festival (July 10th-July 19th). Check out http://asiancinevision.org/press.html for a complete list of times, locations, and films. *Thanks Cecil!
• 7th Annual New York Asian Film Festival (June 20-July 6th). Check out http://www.subwaycinema.com for a complete list of times, locations, and films. *Thank Cecil!
FYI: Looking for something to do in New York? Check out newyork.going.com its a website that posts all the fun things going around New York. They even have a section labeled free for all you penny watching fun loving New Yorker! Also, in case you are not a native New Yorker and still need help planning your trip around NYC, use hopstop to plan your trips; it helps you plan how long it will take by bus or train and also the best route to get to your destination. Thanks again o'wise one. ALSO check out these events coming up:
• Summerstage, July 20th: A-track, Diplo, Santogold, Kid Cudi. 3:00-7:00 pm. Central Park SummerStage is located at Rumsey Playfield in Central Park. Enter the park at 69th Street and 5th Avenue on the east side or at 72nd Street and Central Park West on the west side. Get there early, as I'm sure there will be a lot of wes people there! Check out summerstage.org
• HBO Summer Film Festival, June 18th-August 18th (every Monday Night). Check out http://www.bryantpark.org/calendar/film-festival.php for a complete listing of films. Get there early, lawn opens up at 5pm for seating and film starts at 8pm.
• 32nd Annual New York Asian American International Film Festival (July 10th-July 19th). Check out http://asiancinevision.org/press.html for a complete list of times, locations, and films. *Thanks Cecil!
• 7th Annual New York Asian Film Festival (June 20-July 6th). Check out http://www.subwaycinema.com for a complete list of times, locations, and films. *Thank Cecil!
June 28, 2008
Next Steps
Today I signed the contract for my job and was told by my boss that I made the right choice because the other three candidates were really disappointed they didn't get the job but also that he is very glad I did take the job. Yes! for making the right choice. Now, I am in the process of moving out, first I conquered the job situation and now I move on to finding an apartment! I plan to move out by the end of September, early October. My parents don't want me to move at all because they are scared for me, plus they don't understand that I hate commuting and getting up earlier than I have to and ALSO its also really expensive to buy a month metro north ticket and commuting from my house to the train instead of a month metro card pass and walking... Anyways, I'm not listening to them because I know how to be careful and stay safe, especially since I grew up here.
Right now, I'm just trying to figure out what areas I want to live in and can afford. I know just the place too, however, my parents disagree with me because not only will it "be safer" to commute, they think "i'm moving to a 'dangerous' area...BLAH! They prefer that if I really have to move, it should be to Upper West side or downtown SOHO (which is just TOO expensive for my salary range right now), and while I love the Upper West Side, I have a special spot in my heart for Wash Heights...I just love it here and I feel completely home here. In fact, till I was in 6th grade, I lived on 200 Dyckman St. and my parents had business there until a year and half ago. I've always loved the area (not the men who like to catcall to young girls, that I've always hated!! but I think thats where I learned to stay alert and cautious), and maybe because I was younger and perhaps I don't remember the dangerous parts, but its always been home to me and I've grown and changed alongside with the area. Washington Heights is very diverse (now) but majority of the population is Latino(a). Since I was little, my parents plotted to move out of the area, and move to a respectable and quiet area like Hartsdale. My parents seem to have disdain for the area and look down upon it. It seems they forget we used to call that place home, and I guess I think it weird because both my parents speak Spanish and had many friends in the area. When I tell them I want to move to this area, they act like they've never heard of it, and tell me how dangerous it is. (it's not! unless you're stupid...) It disappoints me they forget where we came from and can't understand why I love the area so much.
FYI: Speaking of moving, o'wise one has recently told me about Rentometer, a website that allows you to type in the area you live in and the apartment building number. It will then tell you if you are paying too much or if you found a great bargain!(It works in USA, Canada, and UK) This will be a handy tool when I move out. YIPPERS!
Right now, I'm just trying to figure out what areas I want to live in and can afford. I know just the place too, however, my parents disagree with me because not only will it "be safer" to commute, they think "i'm moving to a 'dangerous' area...BLAH! They prefer that if I really have to move, it should be to Upper West side or downtown SOHO (which is just TOO expensive for my salary range right now), and while I love the Upper West Side, I have a special spot in my heart for Wash Heights...I just love it here and I feel completely home here. In fact, till I was in 6th grade, I lived on 200 Dyckman St. and my parents had business there until a year and half ago. I've always loved the area (not the men who like to catcall to young girls, that I've always hated!! but I think thats where I learned to stay alert and cautious), and maybe because I was younger and perhaps I don't remember the dangerous parts, but its always been home to me and I've grown and changed alongside with the area. Washington Heights is very diverse (now) but majority of the population is Latino(a). Since I was little, my parents plotted to move out of the area, and move to a respectable and quiet area like Hartsdale. My parents seem to have disdain for the area and look down upon it. It seems they forget we used to call that place home, and I guess I think it weird because both my parents speak Spanish and had many friends in the area. When I tell them I want to move to this area, they act like they've never heard of it, and tell me how dangerous it is. (it's not! unless you're stupid...) It disappoints me they forget where we came from and can't understand why I love the area so much.
FYI: Speaking of moving, o'wise one has recently told me about Rentometer, a website that allows you to type in the area you live in and the apartment building number. It will then tell you if you are paying too much or if you found a great bargain!(It works in USA, Canada, and UK) This will be a handy tool when I move out. YIPPERS!
June 27, 2008
Just Another day in the Heights
Right not I am house siting for the bf and its definitely weird to be in his house without him but its fun to be on my own also. Two things I keep thinking about, firstly, his roommate hasn't moved in yet, so he is alone most times. I imagine he hasn't noticed lately because he's been working really hard and coming home and passing out. I'm not sure I could do that. I had some alone time to myself today, and that was great, but I'm not sure I could be by myself all day and night, especially since I'm not working right now. At least today, I had company and several of our friends came over and we ate pizza, listened to music and played sexy, dirty scrabble, where you have to spell only dirty words. See the picture below, notice the words God and Lord, very important! And also bf if you read this, it was technically not a party! haha.
Anyways, it was fun and Rey convinced me to stay over, (he sold me over with air condition, which the bf does not have) so I haven't spent a night by myself yet. Well technically, I did end up spending the night alone in no air :( because I realized I am allergic to Rey's and Mica's cat! Weird since I've never been allergic to anything before...sad because their cat is really cute. UGH.
It's funny I feel so weird about being alone since I moved to Burlington by myself for two summers. It feels different now, because in Burlington I didn't know anyone and I actually enjoyed being there after two hectic school years but also New York is my home and I have lots of my friends and family are here so I can't imagine being by myself all the time. Don't get me wrong I love my alone time, once in awhile but not all the time... Good thing I'll never be bored or alone here in New York...I mean its New York... but also he lives in Wash heights so there's always a lot going on here, lots of activity which I LOVE.
Anyways, it was fun and Rey convinced me to stay over, (he sold me over with air condition, which the bf does not have) so I haven't spent a night by myself yet. Well technically, I did end up spending the night alone in no air :( because I realized I am allergic to Rey's and Mica's cat! Weird since I've never been allergic to anything before...sad because their cat is really cute. UGH.
It's funny I feel so weird about being alone since I moved to Burlington by myself for two summers. It feels different now, because in Burlington I didn't know anyone and I actually enjoyed being there after two hectic school years but also New York is my home and I have lots of my friends and family are here so I can't imagine being by myself all the time. Don't get me wrong I love my alone time, once in awhile but not all the time... Good thing I'll never be bored or alone here in New York...I mean its New York... but also he lives in Wash heights so there's always a lot going on here, lots of activity which I LOVE.
June 26, 2008
Lucky Seven
I did it! I finally got a job and I am very happy about it and it took me seven weeks to do it... Its going to be an exciting job, and I start July 1st! Chayanee, Headhunter. It's not the official title, but it sounds nice doesn't it?
The only problem, well not really a problem, but I have to stop drinking for two weeks now, a small price to pay. Two thoughts, should I start NOT drinking on Tuesday, when I start my job and I get the benefit of celebrating for a weekend or should I start now so it can end faster? Hmm...decisions, decisions. Well, technically, just technically! maybe I won't have to give up drinking because yesterday while I was hanging out with friends, we decided to have a prayer session. We didn't pray exactly to Buddha but to GOD and during this session, I of course, asked for a job and some money but of course! And then today, I got a job, just like that! So GOD must have liked the way we were praying (we were clapping and rejoicing and listening to Marvin Gaye's Got to Give it Up) because he granted me my wish, right away, may I add. Nina thinks Jesus would have done a better job, but Jesus didn't! His father did. So really, do I need to give up drinking or not? And did Buddha do his job or did GOD do it for him?
All Coincidences? I think not. Maybe a change in religion is in need?
FYI: My job search was difficult, but I used lots of different sites to help me out! Here's my list:
• Indeed.com
• Simplyhired.com
• hotjobs.com
• Staffing Agencies: Don't rule out temporary jobs, they can lead to permanent placing in the company! These agencies have a lot more connections in all aspects of the market (I used a lot of agencies that specialized in HR but you can either use specialized firms or not, depending on what you are looking for) that can lead to job opportunities. Plus you don't have to submit your cover letter as often and also having someone else speak on your behalf is always a plus!
* I didn't list the normal monster or even nytimes or careerbuilder because it wasn't successful for me, and it was a lot harder to use. My three bullet points were my favorite, and easy to use and updated everyday and were search engine that pulled job postings from all over the place. Also, when I was job hunting, I found a lot of jobs but I didn't apply to them all at once, but I was able to keep them organize through del.icio.us , a bookmarking websites that allow you to keep all your bookmarks in one place. It's great because you can access your bookmarks anywhere and any computer! Good luck!
The only problem, well not really a problem, but I have to stop drinking for two weeks now, a small price to pay. Two thoughts, should I start NOT drinking on Tuesday, when I start my job and I get the benefit of celebrating for a weekend or should I start now so it can end faster? Hmm...decisions, decisions. Well, technically, just technically! maybe I won't have to give up drinking because yesterday while I was hanging out with friends, we decided to have a prayer session. We didn't pray exactly to Buddha but to GOD and during this session, I of course, asked for a job and some money but of course! And then today, I got a job, just like that! So GOD must have liked the way we were praying (we were clapping and rejoicing and listening to Marvin Gaye's Got to Give it Up) because he granted me my wish, right away, may I add. Nina thinks Jesus would have done a better job, but Jesus didn't! His father did. So really, do I need to give up drinking or not? And did Buddha do his job or did GOD do it for him?
All Coincidences? I think not. Maybe a change in religion is in need?
FYI: My job search was difficult, but I used lots of different sites to help me out! Here's my list:
• Indeed.com
• Simplyhired.com
• hotjobs.com
• Staffing Agencies: Don't rule out temporary jobs, they can lead to permanent placing in the company! These agencies have a lot more connections in all aspects of the market (I used a lot of agencies that specialized in HR but you can either use specialized firms or not, depending on what you are looking for) that can lead to job opportunities. Plus you don't have to submit your cover letter as often and also having someone else speak on your behalf is always a plus!
* I didn't list the normal monster or even nytimes or careerbuilder because it wasn't successful for me, and it was a lot harder to use. My three bullet points were my favorite, and easy to use and updated everyday and were search engine that pulled job postings from all over the place. Also, when I was job hunting, I found a lot of jobs but I didn't apply to them all at once, but I was able to keep them organize through del.icio.us , a bookmarking websites that allow you to keep all your bookmarks in one place. It's great because you can access your bookmarks anywhere and any computer! Good luck!
June 24, 2008
Et vous?
I spent a lot of today planning another a meal. I wanted to prepare an elaborate meal but I ended up producing a simple Thai dish. I can't help but think about my cooking techniques. Whenever my mom prepares a dish, it is always made with a lot of care, both the preparation and the meal itself comes out beautifully. My mom likes to watching cooking shows, and try her own sample of the dish. My mom cooks methodically whereas I like to throw things in the pot. Our styles are different, and I cant help wonder if theres a connection between our cooking styles and personality. Personally, I don't spend much time prepping for the meal, and I hate cleaning up. My rule is if I cook you clean. And whenever the bf and I cook together, he will prepare the food and I will cook it. But today I didn't have a sous chef, so I sloppily cut the vegetables and honestly, I didn't really care about presentation of the food; all I wanted was for the food to taste good. And that's the thing about me, I am anxious to get to the end and see the results. I'm not too into the process or the method, just the results. Give me the ending and I'll be happy (that's how I watch movies too). I think that's what was so hard about college, most times when you write a paper, you don't know how well or bad you did until a couple of weeks later. There's no instant gratification and I think I need that, I need to see the results of what I am doing in order to motivate me to continue. It is interesting to see how our personality shines through on even the smallest thing. What does your cooking skills say about you?
FYI: Recipes, delicious recipes.
Speaking of cooking, I've added a recipe below for ginger salad dressing, which is really delicious and is great on chicken! But if you are really interested in cooking, check out this wes blog all about cooking (she even gives you recipes and pictures of the food, yum! but if you are mainly just interested in her recipes, click here)
RECIPE: Ginger Salad Dressing
Makes about 1 cup (change accordingly)
1/4 cup soy sauce
1/3 cup salad oil (any kind)
1/4 cup either cider or rice vinegar
3/4 teaspoon tomato paste
1/3 medium onion
1/4 fresh lemon, just juice and pulp, no skin
1/4 fresh orange, just juice and pulp, no skin
1/4 fresh ginger*, about a 1-inch piece or less, depending on taste
In a blender, combine all ingredients except ginger. Blend until liquified. Grate ginger to taste and stir into dressing. You may prepare dressing a day in advance, if you like. The dressing is thinner when it is first made; it thickens up the second day.
*Note: For a fresh flavor, it's important to grate the ginger after all the ingredients have been blended.
Enjoy!
FYI: Recipes, delicious recipes.
Speaking of cooking, I've added a recipe below for ginger salad dressing, which is really delicious and is great on chicken! But if you are really interested in cooking, check out this wes blog all about cooking (she even gives you recipes and pictures of the food, yum! but if you are mainly just interested in her recipes, click here)
RECIPE: Ginger Salad Dressing
Makes about 1 cup (change accordingly)
1/4 cup soy sauce
1/3 cup salad oil (any kind)
1/4 cup either cider or rice vinegar
3/4 teaspoon tomato paste
1/3 medium onion
1/4 fresh lemon, just juice and pulp, no skin
1/4 fresh orange, just juice and pulp, no skin
1/4 fresh ginger*, about a 1-inch piece or less, depending on taste
In a blender, combine all ingredients except ginger. Blend until liquified. Grate ginger to taste and stir into dressing. You may prepare dressing a day in advance, if you like. The dressing is thinner when it is first made; it thickens up the second day.
*Note: For a fresh flavor, it's important to grate the ginger after all the ingredients have been blended.
Enjoy!
June 23, 2008
The bathroom is more than a toilet
I am still reading Kitchen and I just love and feel inspired by these two quotes:
"Life can be so hard, but if a person hasn't ever experienced true despair, she grows old never knowing how to evaluate where she is in life; never understanding what joy really is " (41).
"There are going to be days when awful things happen that will make you sick at heart, or the path before you is so steep that you can't bear to look at it, you will experience these things over and over again, and you will suffer, again and again, but you will get back on your feet. Don't be defeated or let your spirit be destoryed, otherwise not even love can rescue a person from that" (42).
Clearly, this is still kind of sensitive topic for me but I cant help think how the main character in the book loves kitchens and what the kitchen means to her. This makes me wonder is there a place in the Ubol house I can call my own?
The answer isn't as obvious as my room. Technically I have a room in the house that a lot of my stuff resides in but I can't help but feel like a stranger in. My parents are controlling (hard to imagine isn't it?) But ever since I was little, I wanted my room a certain way or wanted certain posters up, but my parents never let me do it the way I wanted it. "that's ugly" or "you're room is still too messy" but almost always "take that down, it looks so tacky!"
And its funny, because when we first moved to this house, I was eight years old and my room was already decorated but I didn't care because the house was new, the room was new (and you KNOW how I like new things). But after awhile, the word new wore off and the room became a place I slept in. I never claimed ownership over it no matter how many books were in the room or how many pictures were put up. I never invited anyone over (also because I wasn't allowed to, because our house was just for us not for "outside" people). The next time my parents re-did the room, I had already left for college, but this time my parents asked me what color I wanted. But even then, they didn't really let me chose the color I wanted. We settled with purple, but even a new coat of paint didn't hide how hideous the room was. There was nothing warm about the room and that was because the furniture was mismatched with the person living in it. If you saw my room, you would be confused on who was living there. The twin bed and floral print and purple wall suggested that perhaps a girl of 12 years old lived there. But if anyone looked closely enough into the room, the books, the pictures, and other nick knacks surrounding the room tells a different story. This person is well-traveled, well read, and is very into art and painting. It's hard to imagine who this person is...who is this person? I think that's why I always took time to decorate my room while I was at school, it was the only place I could call my own. I understand why the bf loves his apartment, its all his and technicaly his roomate. But still... its belong to him. I just wish he would share it with me a little just until I can get my own place... sigh...lucky bastard.
My favorite room in the house has always been the bathroom. Firstly its the only room in the house that has a lock on the door. Secondly its the only place in the house that my parents leave me alone to do my business in. (it seems rightly so) Thirdly, I like how simple my bathroom is, and how comfortable I feel in the bathroom. I never feel too fat or too ugly in the bathroom. I like sitting in my bathroom and reading silently. When I was little, I used to hide cookies and books in the bathroom and spend hours just reading. It was in my bathroom, I learned to look at myself naked, to put on make-up, and just be comfortable by myself. It sounds odd but if my mom shotguns the kitchen, I call the bathroom!
"Life can be so hard, but if a person hasn't ever experienced true despair, she grows old never knowing how to evaluate where she is in life; never understanding what joy really is " (41).
"There are going to be days when awful things happen that will make you sick at heart, or the path before you is so steep that you can't bear to look at it, you will experience these things over and over again, and you will suffer, again and again, but you will get back on your feet. Don't be defeated or let your spirit be destoryed, otherwise not even love can rescue a person from that" (42).
Clearly, this is still kind of sensitive topic for me but I cant help think how the main character in the book loves kitchens and what the kitchen means to her. This makes me wonder is there a place in the Ubol house I can call my own?
The answer isn't as obvious as my room. Technically I have a room in the house that a lot of my stuff resides in but I can't help but feel like a stranger in. My parents are controlling (hard to imagine isn't it?) But ever since I was little, I wanted my room a certain way or wanted certain posters up, but my parents never let me do it the way I wanted it. "that's ugly" or "you're room is still too messy" but almost always "take that down, it looks so tacky!"
And its funny, because when we first moved to this house, I was eight years old and my room was already decorated but I didn't care because the house was new, the room was new (and you KNOW how I like new things). But after awhile, the word new wore off and the room became a place I slept in. I never claimed ownership over it no matter how many books were in the room or how many pictures were put up. I never invited anyone over (also because I wasn't allowed to, because our house was just for us not for "outside" people). The next time my parents re-did the room, I had already left for college, but this time my parents asked me what color I wanted. But even then, they didn't really let me chose the color I wanted. We settled with purple, but even a new coat of paint didn't hide how hideous the room was. There was nothing warm about the room and that was because the furniture was mismatched with the person living in it. If you saw my room, you would be confused on who was living there. The twin bed and floral print and purple wall suggested that perhaps a girl of 12 years old lived there. But if anyone looked closely enough into the room, the books, the pictures, and other nick knacks surrounding the room tells a different story. This person is well-traveled, well read, and is very into art and painting. It's hard to imagine who this person is...who is this person? I think that's why I always took time to decorate my room while I was at school, it was the only place I could call my own. I understand why the bf loves his apartment, its all his and technicaly his roomate. But still... its belong to him. I just wish he would share it with me a little just until I can get my own place... sigh...lucky bastard.
My favorite room in the house has always been the bathroom. Firstly its the only room in the house that has a lock on the door. Secondly its the only place in the house that my parents leave me alone to do my business in. (it seems rightly so) Thirdly, I like how simple my bathroom is, and how comfortable I feel in the bathroom. I never feel too fat or too ugly in the bathroom. I like sitting in my bathroom and reading silently. When I was little, I used to hide cookies and books in the bathroom and spend hours just reading. It was in my bathroom, I learned to look at myself naked, to put on make-up, and just be comfortable by myself. It sounds odd but if my mom shotguns the kitchen, I call the bathroom!
June 22, 2008
Kitchen I want it, but you claim it as yours
I am currently reading a book called Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto which I am loving! It's both funny and serious but it nevertheless is a book that makes me think and question my own life. The first passage that struck me was:
"When my grandmother died the other day, I was taken by surprised. My family had steadily decreased one by one as the years went by, but when it suddenly dawned on me that I was all alone, everything before my eyes seemed false. The fact that time continued to pass in the usual way in this apartment where I grew up, even though now I was here all alone, amazed me. It was a total science fiction. The blackness of the cosmos" (4).
I was reading this on the train, and I couldn't help think about my own family and how even though our number was still 4, as the years went by, our family has grown smaller and smaller. Slowly, over the years, my sister and I began to check out of our family. I just never dreamed that my sister would check me off too. But really I know that it wasn't just as simple as checking off a box, but a process that happened over years.
My relationship with my parents and my sister are complicated and most times it leaves me feeling alone. I have over the years began to relay and see my friends as my family. I do however, thank my parents for raising me to be an independent person but I think often they forget that I am a capable person. Recently over dinner, my mom told me that, my oldest cousin, who just started his second year in college in Thailand, asked his mom for an apartment because going to our family house every night was too far. My aunt, who has always babied him, bought him a two million baht apartment. My cousin has never learned the meaning of hard work or even the value of the money, it has simply been provided to him by his parents. I can't really blame him because its part of our culture in Thailand. Everyone in Thailand is babied by their parents, this leaves them completely helpless and reliant on their families, until they are married. I really feel blessed that my parents have raised me better than that. However, often they forget...most recently it has involved the kitchen.
I generally love cooking. And after I tell this story, if I ever boss you around in the kitchen or claim to do things better than you in the kitchen, pinch me, because its NOT okay.Cooking is something I like to dabble with once in awhile and also something that had become a necessity once I started college and especially when I lived in Burlington alone. I actually like it, not the cleaning part, but the cooking. I don't like reading recipies, I like to throwing things in the pot and hoping for the best. It's exciting.
I still remember the first time I made my own dish. It was freshmen year, and the dish was baked ziti. Not a very difficult dish, but I remember panicking and calling my mom more than 10x to make sure I did everything right. Since then, I still call my mom time to time to ask her for a recipe and help on a dish. I think my mom thinks my cooking is a joke, and I can't blame her, cuz once three years ago, I tried to make sugar cookies at my house but I ended up reading the recipe wrong and put more salt than sugar in the cookie dough making salt cookies instead of sugar. OOPS! My mom has never let me forget that moment and likes to tease me a lot, so I never cook while I am at home. And even though my complains alot about being the only one who cooks in my house, I think she secretly like its...the Kitchen is her domain.
Today, my mom is undergoing a procedure that will not allow her to eat for 24hrs. Earlier she asked me to cook for my dad while she is preparing for her surgery. I readily agreed, excited to try new dishes and prove to my parents I am a great cook. I decided to make homemade meatballs and sauce with pasta. However, I did NOT make the meal, my mom did. I just wanted her recipe on making meatballs, but when she told me to gather the ingredients and I didn't know where everything was, she beagn to chastised me for not knowing where she kept everything in HER kitchen. But then she started to making everything, and criticizing me on how my meatballs were not perfect circles. SERIOUSLY? who cares if they aren't perfectly circle! Then, she moved on to making the entire sauce... And I guess the best part of the whole debacle was when she asked me what type of pasta I was going to make, but before I could answer she said, "well, I prefer rigatoni". Hilarious since she couldn't eat it anyways, but overall the meal tasted pretty bad. So dear ol'mom, you can have the kitchen, its yours.
"When my grandmother died the other day, I was taken by surprised. My family had steadily decreased one by one as the years went by, but when it suddenly dawned on me that I was all alone, everything before my eyes seemed false. The fact that time continued to pass in the usual way in this apartment where I grew up, even though now I was here all alone, amazed me. It was a total science fiction. The blackness of the cosmos" (4).
I was reading this on the train, and I couldn't help think about my own family and how even though our number was still 4, as the years went by, our family has grown smaller and smaller. Slowly, over the years, my sister and I began to check out of our family. I just never dreamed that my sister would check me off too. But really I know that it wasn't just as simple as checking off a box, but a process that happened over years.
My relationship with my parents and my sister are complicated and most times it leaves me feeling alone. I have over the years began to relay and see my friends as my family. I do however, thank my parents for raising me to be an independent person but I think often they forget that I am a capable person. Recently over dinner, my mom told me that, my oldest cousin, who just started his second year in college in Thailand, asked his mom for an apartment because going to our family house every night was too far. My aunt, who has always babied him, bought him a two million baht apartment. My cousin has never learned the meaning of hard work or even the value of the money, it has simply been provided to him by his parents. I can't really blame him because its part of our culture in Thailand. Everyone in Thailand is babied by their parents, this leaves them completely helpless and reliant on their families, until they are married. I really feel blessed that my parents have raised me better than that. However, often they forget...most recently it has involved the kitchen.
I generally love cooking. And after I tell this story, if I ever boss you around in the kitchen or claim to do things better than you in the kitchen, pinch me, because its NOT okay.Cooking is something I like to dabble with once in awhile and also something that had become a necessity once I started college and especially when I lived in Burlington alone. I actually like it, not the cleaning part, but the cooking. I don't like reading recipies, I like to throwing things in the pot and hoping for the best. It's exciting.
I still remember the first time I made my own dish. It was freshmen year, and the dish was baked ziti. Not a very difficult dish, but I remember panicking and calling my mom more than 10x to make sure I did everything right. Since then, I still call my mom time to time to ask her for a recipe and help on a dish. I think my mom thinks my cooking is a joke, and I can't blame her, cuz once three years ago, I tried to make sugar cookies at my house but I ended up reading the recipe wrong and put more salt than sugar in the cookie dough making salt cookies instead of sugar. OOPS! My mom has never let me forget that moment and likes to tease me a lot, so I never cook while I am at home. And even though my complains alot about being the only one who cooks in my house, I think she secretly like its...the Kitchen is her domain.
Today, my mom is undergoing a procedure that will not allow her to eat for 24hrs. Earlier she asked me to cook for my dad while she is preparing for her surgery. I readily agreed, excited to try new dishes and prove to my parents I am a great cook. I decided to make homemade meatballs and sauce with pasta. However, I did NOT make the meal, my mom did. I just wanted her recipe on making meatballs, but when she told me to gather the ingredients and I didn't know where everything was, she beagn to chastised me for not knowing where she kept everything in HER kitchen. But then she started to making everything, and criticizing me on how my meatballs were not perfect circles. SERIOUSLY? who cares if they aren't perfectly circle! Then, she moved on to making the entire sauce... And I guess the best part of the whole debacle was when she asked me what type of pasta I was going to make, but before I could answer she said, "well, I prefer rigatoni". Hilarious since she couldn't eat it anyways, but overall the meal tasted pretty bad. So dear ol'mom, you can have the kitchen, its yours.
June 21, 2008
Paradise doesn't think I'm funny
All my life I wanted to belong and the only way I saw to belong was to be funny, I mean how else will you get people to listen and hang on every word you say? that's the stuff popular people are made out of...
I've always been a little bit awkward (thanks a lot mom and dad). Being the only Asian person in my high school, made me try really hard to fit...I just wanted to be like everyone else, even though I am not really sure what would have made me feel like everyone else. I think too often I try too hard, because I really just want to be funny...there is such a difference between when people are laughing at you and laughing with you and I think often times people are laughing at me. Most of the times, I don't care because I do say and do a lot of stupid things and maybe in some ways I've grown in that area and have become more comfortable with myself. But I've been told that I am more funny when I don't try, but it would help if my friends would laugh with me even when I'm not that funny to encourage me and my comfort level (hint, hint, friends reading this) and NO I do not want to read a book about how to be funny.
However, I have been blessed with other talents. I am a temperamental artist, which means I can only once in awhile accidentally paint when the mood arises. I am also a decent writer. I've never been a grade A writer but most definitely a grade B+ writer. I am just way too lazy to proofread and spell check my work, which often causes my writing to get muddled up in emotions. My best work has been done when the bf upsets me. My creativity has always been tied to my emotions which have led me to some of my best ideas ever. So maybe I won't die if I am not funny, at least I am a creative thinker.
I've always been a little bit awkward (thanks a lot mom and dad). Being the only Asian person in my high school, made me try really hard to fit...I just wanted to be like everyone else, even though I am not really sure what would have made me feel like everyone else. I think too often I try too hard, because I really just want to be funny...there is such a difference between when people are laughing at you and laughing with you and I think often times people are laughing at me. Most of the times, I don't care because I do say and do a lot of stupid things and maybe in some ways I've grown in that area and have become more comfortable with myself. But I've been told that I am more funny when I don't try, but it would help if my friends would laugh with me even when I'm not that funny to encourage me and my comfort level (hint, hint, friends reading this) and NO I do not want to read a book about how to be funny.
However, I have been blessed with other talents. I am a temperamental artist, which means I can only once in awhile accidentally paint when the mood arises. I am also a decent writer. I've never been a grade A writer but most definitely a grade B+ writer. I am just way too lazy to proofread and spell check my work, which often causes my writing to get muddled up in emotions. My best work has been done when the bf upsets me. My creativity has always been tied to my emotions which have led me to some of my best ideas ever. So maybe I won't die if I am not funny, at least I am a creative thinker.
June 20, 2008
Unpublished Thesis
I was really adamant about writing a thesis this year, but it turned out to be another project I didn't finish. (I'd like to think the reasons were beyond my control) But I wanted to immortalize some of my writing, because I do believe in the project, and hopefully maybe I will publish it one day. It seems like the right thing to post the introduction of my thesis, especially since it is regarding online communities and online interactions...
For my mommy:
Click, click, click, click, , click, click, click. “There!” She said, “Finished at last.” As she quickly scrolled the screen down, re-read her message, she pressed sent and then the screen flashed: Message sent! She sighed with relief and got up and hurried up the stairs.
“Wake up daughter; I want to share with you the three things I’ve learned today.” It was only nine in the morning, but time seemed not to faze her, as she crept into my dark room and genteelly, at first, tried to wake me up but after receiving no response from me she began to shake me furiously. The fact that I was sleep deprived after a long hard semester, seemed to escape her mind as she was just too excited. As she continued to try and wake me up, she simply became lost in her thoughts. Did I really just do that? Was it really that simple? As she replayed the moment over and over again in her head, going over every detail, making sure she didn’t leave any detail out, so she could tell it to me properly, scared that it might have been a dream.
As she continued to think quietly to herself, a moan from the bed interrupted her thought. “mmmmm?” She began to speak out loud, not sure if the moan she received from me was my indication that I was up and listening. But then she thought to herself, “was that a snore?” Not caring and too excited about the events that occurred this morning she told her story.
“Today, daughter, I did it!” I turned on the machine. What did you say it was called? You know…the box looking thing? Oh, darn. I can’t remember what it’s called...oh you know what I am talking about! Come on! Tell me please?”
“Tower” I mumbled.
“Yes, yes. That’s it! I turned on the tower. I did everything you told me to do! I even followed the diagram you drew for me.” “Just like you told me it would happen, I pressed the big circle on the tower and it beeped, the machine started making all this noise. I was so scared, what if I broke your computer? But then, a light came on the screen. And I didn’t have to do anything! And the next thing I know, a message flashed on the screen: Welcome Chayanee. And I just knew then, that I did it…but I did exactly what you told me to do anyway, I clicked on your name, by the way daughter, I named you.”
As I sat up in bed and rolled my eyes, I said, “Yes, mommy I know that. Go on”
“Oh, ja. Where was I?” she said.
“You clicked on my name,” I said.
“That’s right! I clicked on it; I held my breath of course! You know how it’s a Thai tradition and all. Can’t break good luck! And then the computer made some more sounds...Am, is it supposed to sound like that?
“Yes, mommy, it’s an old computer. Tell dad to buy us a new computer, hint, hint.” I said.
“We’ll talk about it later. Am, then it happened! I was on! I scanned the screen for the picture that you told me would get me onto net, I found it. I clicked it once, with the mouse. By the way, do you remember why it’s called the mouse?”
“Mommy…”
“Okay, so I clicked it on it, but nothing happened! And I got scared again. There was nothing in the instructions about what to do if nothing happened! So I did step #11 again, but this time I double clicked it and the Google page appeared! I typed in Thailand in the Google box. Am, did you know that there 19 millions things on net about Thailand? There was so much to choose from but I chose to click on a newspaper site.”
As she sat there telling me about the things she read and the pictures she saw, her face lit up and my mind wandered back to a memory four years ago and how I hadn’t seen her face light up like that since our last trip to Thailand. I remembered her running through the airport in Thailand like a little kid in a candy shop, laughing at herself. As she continued to run through the airport, she stopped in front of a newspaper store. She heard people chatting in Thai around her, laughing and smiling. It appeared that she was allowing the language to re-seep into her skin. She then, picked up a newspaper, smiled, and said to herself “welcome home, I am home at last.”
“Are you listening to me Am?”
As my mind quickly returned to the present, she told me that she had sent and e-mail to her old friends hoping to reconnect. She laughed at herself. But I could see that she was excited about the prospects of receiving an electronic mail.
“Okay, Am. I let you sleep now, but Am? I am happy you are my daughter. I know I gave you a hard time about the learning the internet…maybe now I send you an e-mail when you are in school, won’t that be nice?
As she closed the door behind her, I sat in bed thinking about what I had just learned. I thought about what I learned in school and remembered a quote from Benedict Anderson who said: a modern nation is conceived in language and not blood. When I think about how this particular story about my mother and the memory of her in Thailand, I think of three words: excluding, becoming, and belonging.
My mother, Chongkol Kotama, age fifty-six years old, before moving to the United States (US) was considered by any standards, a very social person. She had several groups of friends, all of whom she considered close and saw regularly face to face. At the age of thirty years old, my mother decided to move to the United States (US) where she met my father and had two kids. Besides us, she had never known anyone outside of our kinship and never felt like she needed to. Having grown up in Thailand and having spent a third of her adult life in Thailand, she never questioned her nationality, ethnicity, or identity. And even after the physical journey outside her nation state; or having gone back less than five times since her departure; or even the fact that she calls New York her home, she feels no less Thai. Her sense of belonging is not tied to her property but to her identity of which she claims proudly as Thai.
When she moved away from her homeland, she also left behind her social connections as well as her sense of belonging and community. This, she often admitted was the one thing she missed about being in Thailand. The gap that was created when she left made her all the more aware of how distance created a sense of loneliness. While she interacted with people on a daily basis, she felt no connection to these people. “These people have nothing in common with me,” said my mother. This was always made particularly clear to her when people tried to relate their recent experiences in Thailand, the sites they saw or the food they ate, all things she remembers but the familiarity is not the same. These experiences reconnected her back to her old nostalgic memories but always left her feeling sad about the distance between her and nation state. While these stories might allude to the place she once knew very well, she knows she no longer knows these places well. She has no new narratives to share or show that she has an ongoing relationship to the nation-state.
I often watched my mother at school or temple functions unable to connect with people because she was uncertain about her ethnic identity and her ability to belong. She shied away from speaking Thai in public or even admitting that she was Thai. Even in temple, a space where Thai was the language spoken and the religion and culture were practiced; she left feeling vulnerable and insecure because she could not figure out she still belonged to Thailand when she no longer actually lived there. However, her first interaction with the net made her realize not only how accessible, easy and secure it was but she also realized it was the solution she was looking for. She could access newspapers and any other form of print media that she loved which helped her reaffirm her Thainess. Through the access of language, she was able read and reconnect with home. Whereas, her other option was reconnecting herself through a physical journey which she could only afford to every couple of years.
Convenient is what my mom called it. Connecting herself through the net allowed her to connect as often as she wished but also provided her security among her own surroundings. Had she actually been in Thailand and she had read something exciting in the newspaper, she would not be able to run up and would have to settle for a phone call. But here, in her own home, she could read things on-line and run up to my bedroom and tell me about all the things she read. She didn’t need to run home and share, because she was already home. Instead of running out to get the newspaper, she was able to bring the newspaper to her house and access it at her own convenience.
As I retrace my mother’s first experience, I think about these notions of belonging and how print media and technology, particularly the internet, complicates existing social patterns and creates differences between those who prefer preserving community formations in the realms of “reality” and those who see value to online community as a building block for transnational communities in a global way. Once again, this made me think about a question Emile Durkheim posed in 1893: What are the bonds which unite men with one another?” How have the realms of public space changed? Technology has created the existences of several realties creating the mesh between the realms of public and private life. People can now bring the public realm inside to their own private homes.
Thus, we should look at language as the common ground in which communities are built upon, because it provides key opportunities for new media studies to intervene and develop new representations of identity because it offers people interactivity. Interactive media within the web allows people to connect and enable them to solve or question their identities while building a community of their own. My mother excluded herself from her nationhood because of physical distance but through a click of a button, allowed herself to become and belong to a new community without even realizing it; a transnational community of citizens who have used the internet to reach for a space of their own. Creating and defining their space as a transnational, all conceived from their own notions of what it means to be excluded and belong. However, none would have been possible without the development of technology and the internet.
*For my family and all the other families that straddle two worlds, conflicted by, a world they love and the world their children love. One day, I hope you will understand it and me.*
For my mommy:
Click, click, click, click, , click, click, click. “There!” She said, “Finished at last.” As she quickly scrolled the screen down, re-read her message, she pressed sent and then the screen flashed: Message sent! She sighed with relief and got up and hurried up the stairs.“Wake up daughter; I want to share with you the three things I’ve learned today.” It was only nine in the morning, but time seemed not to faze her, as she crept into my dark room and genteelly, at first, tried to wake me up but after receiving no response from me she began to shake me furiously. The fact that I was sleep deprived after a long hard semester, seemed to escape her mind as she was just too excited. As she continued to try and wake me up, she simply became lost in her thoughts. Did I really just do that? Was it really that simple? As she replayed the moment over and over again in her head, going over every detail, making sure she didn’t leave any detail out, so she could tell it to me properly, scared that it might have been a dream.
As she continued to think quietly to herself, a moan from the bed interrupted her thought. “mmmmm?” She began to speak out loud, not sure if the moan she received from me was my indication that I was up and listening. But then she thought to herself, “was that a snore?” Not caring and too excited about the events that occurred this morning she told her story.
“Today, daughter, I did it!” I turned on the machine. What did you say it was called? You know…the box looking thing? Oh, darn. I can’t remember what it’s called...oh you know what I am talking about! Come on! Tell me please?”
“Tower” I mumbled.
“Yes, yes. That’s it! I turned on the tower. I did everything you told me to do! I even followed the diagram you drew for me.” “Just like you told me it would happen, I pressed the big circle on the tower and it beeped, the machine started making all this noise. I was so scared, what if I broke your computer? But then, a light came on the screen. And I didn’t have to do anything! And the next thing I know, a message flashed on the screen: Welcome Chayanee. And I just knew then, that I did it…but I did exactly what you told me to do anyway, I clicked on your name, by the way daughter, I named you.”
As I sat up in bed and rolled my eyes, I said, “Yes, mommy I know that. Go on”
“Oh, ja. Where was I?” she said.
“You clicked on my name,” I said.
“That’s right! I clicked on it; I held my breath of course! You know how it’s a Thai tradition and all. Can’t break good luck! And then the computer made some more sounds...Am, is it supposed to sound like that?
“Yes, mommy, it’s an old computer. Tell dad to buy us a new computer, hint, hint.” I said.
“We’ll talk about it later. Am, then it happened! I was on! I scanned the screen for the picture that you told me would get me onto net, I found it. I clicked it once, with the mouse. By the way, do you remember why it’s called the mouse?”
“Mommy…”
“Okay, so I clicked it on it, but nothing happened! And I got scared again. There was nothing in the instructions about what to do if nothing happened! So I did step #11 again, but this time I double clicked it and the Google page appeared! I typed in Thailand in the Google box. Am, did you know that there 19 millions things on net about Thailand? There was so much to choose from but I chose to click on a newspaper site.”
As she sat there telling me about the things she read and the pictures she saw, her face lit up and my mind wandered back to a memory four years ago and how I hadn’t seen her face light up like that since our last trip to Thailand. I remembered her running through the airport in Thailand like a little kid in a candy shop, laughing at herself. As she continued to run through the airport, she stopped in front of a newspaper store. She heard people chatting in Thai around her, laughing and smiling. It appeared that she was allowing the language to re-seep into her skin. She then, picked up a newspaper, smiled, and said to herself “welcome home, I am home at last.”
“Are you listening to me Am?”
As my mind quickly returned to the present, she told me that she had sent and e-mail to her old friends hoping to reconnect. She laughed at herself. But I could see that she was excited about the prospects of receiving an electronic mail.
“Okay, Am. I let you sleep now, but Am? I am happy you are my daughter. I know I gave you a hard time about the learning the internet…maybe now I send you an e-mail when you are in school, won’t that be nice?
As she closed the door behind her, I sat in bed thinking about what I had just learned. I thought about what I learned in school and remembered a quote from Benedict Anderson who said: a modern nation is conceived in language and not blood. When I think about how this particular story about my mother and the memory of her in Thailand, I think of three words: excluding, becoming, and belonging.
My mother, Chongkol Kotama, age fifty-six years old, before moving to the United States (US) was considered by any standards, a very social person. She had several groups of friends, all of whom she considered close and saw regularly face to face. At the age of thirty years old, my mother decided to move to the United States (US) where she met my father and had two kids. Besides us, she had never known anyone outside of our kinship and never felt like she needed to. Having grown up in Thailand and having spent a third of her adult life in Thailand, she never questioned her nationality, ethnicity, or identity. And even after the physical journey outside her nation state; or having gone back less than five times since her departure; or even the fact that she calls New York her home, she feels no less Thai. Her sense of belonging is not tied to her property but to her identity of which she claims proudly as Thai. When she moved away from her homeland, she also left behind her social connections as well as her sense of belonging and community. This, she often admitted was the one thing she missed about being in Thailand. The gap that was created when she left made her all the more aware of how distance created a sense of loneliness. While she interacted with people on a daily basis, she felt no connection to these people. “These people have nothing in common with me,” said my mother. This was always made particularly clear to her when people tried to relate their recent experiences in Thailand, the sites they saw or the food they ate, all things she remembers but the familiarity is not the same. These experiences reconnected her back to her old nostalgic memories but always left her feeling sad about the distance between her and nation state. While these stories might allude to the place she once knew very well, she knows she no longer knows these places well. She has no new narratives to share or show that she has an ongoing relationship to the nation-state.
I often watched my mother at school or temple functions unable to connect with people because she was uncertain about her ethnic identity and her ability to belong. She shied away from speaking Thai in public or even admitting that she was Thai. Even in temple, a space where Thai was the language spoken and the religion and culture were practiced; she left feeling vulnerable and insecure because she could not figure out she still belonged to Thailand when she no longer actually lived there. However, her first interaction with the net made her realize not only how accessible, easy and secure it was but she also realized it was the solution she was looking for. She could access newspapers and any other form of print media that she loved which helped her reaffirm her Thainess. Through the access of language, she was able read and reconnect with home. Whereas, her other option was reconnecting herself through a physical journey which she could only afford to every couple of years.
Convenient is what my mom called it. Connecting herself through the net allowed her to connect as often as she wished but also provided her security among her own surroundings. Had she actually been in Thailand and she had read something exciting in the newspaper, she would not be able to run up and would have to settle for a phone call. But here, in her own home, she could read things on-line and run up to my bedroom and tell me about all the things she read. She didn’t need to run home and share, because she was already home. Instead of running out to get the newspaper, she was able to bring the newspaper to her house and access it at her own convenience.
As I retrace my mother’s first experience, I think about these notions of belonging and how print media and technology, particularly the internet, complicates existing social patterns and creates differences between those who prefer preserving community formations in the realms of “reality” and those who see value to online community as a building block for transnational communities in a global way. Once again, this made me think about a question Emile Durkheim posed in 1893: What are the bonds which unite men with one another?” How have the realms of public space changed? Technology has created the existences of several realties creating the mesh between the realms of public and private life. People can now bring the public realm inside to their own private homes.
Thus, we should look at language as the common ground in which communities are built upon, because it provides key opportunities for new media studies to intervene and develop new representations of identity because it offers people interactivity. Interactive media within the web allows people to connect and enable them to solve or question their identities while building a community of their own. My mother excluded herself from her nationhood because of physical distance but through a click of a button, allowed herself to become and belong to a new community without even realizing it; a transnational community of citizens who have used the internet to reach for a space of their own. Creating and defining their space as a transnational, all conceived from their own notions of what it means to be excluded and belong. However, none would have been possible without the development of technology and the internet.
*For my family and all the other families that straddle two worlds, conflicted by, a world they love and the world their children love. One day, I hope you will understand it and me.*
June 19, 2008
What's in a blog?
I've started several blogs before but have never particularly been attached to any of them as I am to this one. I've recently open my blog to the public, allowing my friends to read it, but I never imagined random people reading it. I know that my blog site is posted on my g-chat/AIM but I never dreamed that people who aren't involved in my life would even care about my blog. The question now is what is the purpose of my blog?
The bf often complains that I moan and groan too much to him and that perhaps he can't be my own source of relief from a stressful day. The reality is he is right, its pretty stressful to be the only person responsible for relief. And maybe I hope that my blog can help ease that tension between us and I can use my blog as a space where I work out my problems and even a place where I can keep myself in check. Somehow, writing makes everything I promise to do or even how I feel legitimate. But I am not sure how comfortable I am really spilling my guts to my blog when I know people are reading it. It kinda takes away from the release and pleasure of it. I have not really spilled that much yet about myself onto this blog, everything I've written so far I would have shared with anyone who would be willing listen to me. But if my exploration shall continue, I have to think about what this blog means ot me and how far I am willing to open myself up to cyberspace. It's funny for me to even hesitate because I was writing my thesis on online communities and belonging, and I was all for promoting online communication...Well dear ol'blog you are on a one month trial period, and if I am not satisfied with you I shall quit you!
The bf often complains that I moan and groan too much to him and that perhaps he can't be my own source of relief from a stressful day. The reality is he is right, its pretty stressful to be the only person responsible for relief. And maybe I hope that my blog can help ease that tension between us and I can use my blog as a space where I work out my problems and even a place where I can keep myself in check. Somehow, writing makes everything I promise to do or even how I feel legitimate. But I am not sure how comfortable I am really spilling my guts to my blog when I know people are reading it. It kinda takes away from the release and pleasure of it. I have not really spilled that much yet about myself onto this blog, everything I've written so far I would have shared with anyone who would be willing listen to me. But if my exploration shall continue, I have to think about what this blog means ot me and how far I am willing to open myself up to cyberspace. It's funny for me to even hesitate because I was writing my thesis on online communities and belonging, and I was all for promoting online communication...Well dear ol'blog you are on a one month trial period, and if I am not satisfied with you I shall quit you!
June 17, 2008
Side of Guilt? No thanks...
Tonight's special is guilt...but really every night I am served a full sized portion of guilt...and lucky for me guilt doesn't have one special flavor but many...some of my parents personal favorites: "sweets? Again!? thats why you're fat!" or "why are you single? is it because you have a bad attitude?" or "that dress is pretty, too bad your hair is messy and you look fat in it it...remember when you used to be pretty? such a waste" and my personal favorite: "why do you always wear those earrings? You have nicer ones than that."
Well Mother! MEH to you!
Guilt sucks but I can't help but think it's part of my culture, or at least my parent's belief of culture. It's crazy how semi-normal I turned out to be despite my parents neurotic behavior...well okay, I admit I have picked up some of their bads habits, this has been been pointed out to me recently, (okay, semi-recently) that I have the bad habit of turning out positive comments into asshole comments. For example:
*C: hey so did you get honors?
*J: yep, I got honors!
*C: Congrats! did you get high honors?
*J: nope.
*C: oh well...pause.. thats still great!
Okay, maybe not the best example...but I was happy that she got honors, but somehow I had to ask if she got high honors which looking back now, I really don't know why, it made her honors pale in comparison... J-man says I'm a hater...I'm not! but really it was the way I was raised, my parents always downplayed my sister's and my accomplishments, and I guess I picked up that terrible habit. It doesn't help that I'm living at home..HELP! someone save me! So, if you know me and you see me, pinch me if I downplay your success.
Today has been a good day though, my interview went well...I'm pretty sure I aced it and now its up to Buddha... pulleezzze don't forget about me buddha...remember the promise I made!?
Well Mother! MEH to you!
Guilt sucks but I can't help but think it's part of my culture, or at least my parent's belief of culture. It's crazy how semi-normal I turned out to be despite my parents neurotic behavior...well okay, I admit I have picked up some of their bads habits, this has been been pointed out to me recently, (okay, semi-recently) that I have the bad habit of turning out positive comments into asshole comments. For example:
*C: hey so did you get honors?
*J: yep, I got honors!
*C: Congrats! did you get high honors?
*J: nope.
*C: oh well...pause.. thats still great!
Okay, maybe not the best example...but I was happy that she got honors, but somehow I had to ask if she got high honors which looking back now, I really don't know why, it made her honors pale in comparison... J-man says I'm a hater...I'm not! but really it was the way I was raised, my parents always downplayed my sister's and my accomplishments, and I guess I picked up that terrible habit. It doesn't help that I'm living at home..HELP! someone save me! So, if you know me and you see me, pinch me if I downplay your success.
Today has been a good day though, my interview went well...I'm pretty sure I aced it and now its up to Buddha... pulleezzze don't forget about me buddha...remember the promise I made!?
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